MIND MATTERS: How to deal with conflict with your teen

SHREVEPORT, La. (KSLA) - Summer is often a time in which families spend a little more time together while school is out. However, during all that extra quality time together, parents may find their teens losing their tempers with them a tad quicker.

One Shreveport counselor has some things to consider during these tense moments.

For most parents, summer is a time to look forward to, with the joys of having a less structured schedule, but for some, it can be a time when having additional time together, combined with being in close proximity, can lead to confrontation with teens.

“They’ve had a stressful school year, they are overwhelmed, they’re dealing with social media and anxiety, a lot more time on their phone, a lot more time engaging with their friends, so their anxiety, their depression, their mental health symptoms are all going to rise,” said Clint Davis, a licensed counselor.

It’s important to understand that the teenage brain is not fully developed yet. Their prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for calming them down, deescalating their bodies, and regulating their nervous system, is still developing.

“So this is the human brain. This is the brain stem. This is the amygdala, and this is the prefrontal, and it wraps over like this. And so, as a teenager, when they start getting emotional or getting escalated, or there is an argument or there’s conflict, this prefrontal starts to kind of flip out and eventually it blows. What we call ‘blowing your top’ or ‘flipping your lid.’ And now, amygdala is in charge. Well, the amygdala is the anger and the fear center of the brain and it is developing the most at teen years,” Davis said.

Davis says to remember to remain regulated and centered to help keep your cool when dealing with teens.

“So when a child is upset, what they first need is validation, and empathy and connection. They need you to say, ‘I hear what you are saying. I see that that is important to you. I bet that is overwhelming,’” said Davis.

Most parents will want to use logic to try to teach their children and talk sense into them, but Davis cautions that this can come off as not showing empathy and won’t necessarily calm them down.

“The worst thing that we can do is talk to the left brain; it’s turned off. If we don’t empathize and connect and sympathize with their teen problem, we can’t calm this side of their brain down. But when we start to show empathy and start to connect and show them that we are there, this part of their brain starts to calm down and regulate and then this part of their brain, their logic brain turns on,” Davis explained.

MIND MATTERS

Although disagreements are bound to happen, parents who do find themselves in a heated conversation with their child should call police if their child storms off.

“If you suspect your child has run away, we are going to ask, ‘What you have done to try to locate your child? Where can your child be?’ And I understand if you don’t feel comfortable in a late night going around, driving around. We have no problem with that, but try and find out where your child is. That is why we ask you to talk to your children, find out who their friends are,” said Corporal Derek Barker, a detective with the Shreveport Police Department.

According to SPD, the average number of runaways reported each week is around 15 to 25 kids, but out of that 25, usually only one or two of them will still be missing by the next week.

“During the summer, they don’t want to listen to their parents, they don’t want to do what they’re told or come home when they’re told so. We see at least on patrol if not runaways, kids that aren’t coming home when they are supposed to,” said Cpl. Barker.

Parents are encouraged to keep their calm as much as possible when handling conflict and to sympathize and empathize with their teen.

As a reminder, if your child is 12 or younger and runs away, you have 12 hours to report this to the police, and if they’re 13 or older, you have 24 hours to report this to police. If you don’t, you could be charged with failure to report a missing child.

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